What the Smith Boys Said This Year

What I’m not good at is keeping a journal. What I am good at is writing down in my planner the funny things that my kids say and then printing them up to put in our Christmas card each year:

December 5th, 2003
Nathan: “Mom, you be the French Peas and I’ll be Gilgamesh.�

December 18th, 2003
Derrick, after turning the house upside down: “Simon, have you seen my razor?�
Simon: “Why, sure I have. We’re using it as a wheel on the garbage truck me and Nathan built.�

December 31st, 2003
Nathan, first walking into the unfinished part of Aunt Susie’s basement: “This is so beautiful.�

January 7th, 2004
We learn why candlelight dinners usually don’t involve children: Simon set his hair on fire leaning over his plate.

Simon is dragging a suitcase around the house as Julie unpacks
Julie: “Gee, Simon, that suitcase sure looks heavy. What did you put in there?�
Simon: “Nathan.�

January 9th, 2004
Nathan mispronounces ‘vampires’ as ‘vampapires.’
Simon: “Is that the paper that vampires use?� (i.e, vam-papyrus)

January 29th, 2004
Nathan: “It’s going to be Easter in two minutes!�

January 30th, 2004
Nathan, through the bathroom door to Julie: “Mommy, be sure to wash your hands! Use soap!�

January 31st
Nathan: “Mommy, where can I hide my binkies?�
Julie, not wanting them too well hidden: “How about in the sink?�
Nathan: “No! They’ll drown!�

Simon: “Mommy, do you remember who gave me this robe for Christmas? I think I need to thank them again because I love it so much!�

February 12th, 2004
Julie, getting cut off in traffic: “The nerve!�
Nathan: “That’s part of the human body!�

February 13th, 2004
Nathan (howling): “Simon hit me!�
Simon: “It was a sort of a gentle, hardish pat.�
(Julie tries not to laugh.)
Simon: “Do you want to go write that one down?�

February 19th, 2004
Nathan, showing off his cookie with creatively placed bites taken out of it: “Mommy, look! I made this into the Jolly Roger!�

March 6th, 2004
Nathan, after Julie told him that she was hosting a baby shower: “Mommy, is the baby going to use our shower?�

March 13th, 2004
We couldn’t figure out why Simon was so intent on coming up with a new name for himself until he showed us his fortune cookie: “You will make a name for yourself.�

March 28th, 2004
Nathan: “I don’t like to bathe in water because that’s too scary for me.�

April 3rd, 2004
Nathan: “Mommy, am I dead?�

April 5th, 2004
Julie and the boys watched a documentary that showed open heart surgery on a small child. A few days later, Simon asked if doctors had to go to the doctor when they were sick, so Julie explained about specialists. A few days after that, Nathan put the pieces together and said, “Grandpa Wayne is a skin doctor. I don’t want him to take my heart out.�

April 7th, 2004
Simon: “Look at the beautifulness of our lawn!� (You’d have to see our lawn to really be able to appreciate this one.)

April 17th, 2004
Simon: “Mom, Nathan is making me crazy. And he’s going to keep making em crazy. And I’m going to get mad. And he’s not going to stop. And I’m going to want to hit him. And I’m going to hit him. And then you are going to send me to time out for NO REASON.�

April 18th, 2004
Nathan, referring to Julie’s kimono: “Mommy, where did you get that?�
Julie: “Daddy brought it to me from Japan.�
Nathan: “Was Daddy stuck in our globe toy?�

May 6th, 2004
Simon: “Dad, there’s just one problem with that observation .�

May 7th, 2004
Simon: “Mom, make a hypothesis about what my favorite food is.�
(can you tell what we learned in science this week?)

May 9th, 2004
Simon: “Nathan, Mommy and Daddy are going to be really busy with the new baby . . . you better learn how to take care of yourself.�

May 16th, 2004
Nathan: “Mommy, what is that?�
Julie: “It’s a phone book.�
Nathan: “Does it ring?�

May 18th, 2004
Nathan: “Daddy, you know better than to get water in my ears!�

May 20th, 2004
Our homeschooling group went on a tour of the local police station. When we were shown the emergency command and control room (which is mostly used for tornadoes), Simon asked the police officer: “If this room is for planning in emergencies, why does it have a wall full of windows?�

May 24th, 2004
Julie named all of the friends that were going swimming with us, including Brooke, who just turned one.
Nathan: “But Brooke can’t swim!�
Julie: “That’s OK. Her mom will be there.�
Nathan: “I’ll teach her how. I’ll just tell her to pump her legs and head way out in the deep water.�

June 19th, 2004
Nathan, who is in a terrible mood, explaining to the woman at the portrait studio why she can’t take his picture: “I have poison on my face and it will get on your camera.�

June 23rd, 2004
Simon: “What shape did Daddy cut my toast into?�
Julie: “Um, well, it doesn’t really make a shape.�
Simon, after some silent contemplation: “I know! It’s the Sydney Opera House!�

June 28th, 2004
Nathan wants to get up; Julie knows he hasn’t napped yet.
Julie: “But Nathan, it’s only been forty minutes!�
Nathan: “But I sleeped faster.�

July 4th, 2004
Julie: “So why did they need to go back to Jerusalem to get the brass plates?�
Nathan: “Because they had nothing to eat dinner off of.�

July 9th, 2004
Simon lost his first tooth.

July 17th, 2004
Nathan, as the custard is served: “Me first! Me first!�
Derrick: “What kind of talk is that?�
Nathan: “Gladiator talk!�

August 2nd, 2004
Nathan: “Mom, don’t you think my butt part is cute?�

August 9th, 2004
Nathan in rare form at the swimming pool:
(1) Nathan: “Can we swim in the fountain?�
Julie: “No. See that sign? It says ‘No swimming or playing in the fountain.�
Nathan: “Let’s take the sign down.�
(2) Nathan, on getting a good look at Julie in her maternity bathing suit: “Mommy, you look like a big pink beach ball!�
(3) Nathan: “Why is there no lifeguard here protecting the children?�

August 11th, 2004
Julie complimented Simon on making his bed and arranging his journal and comic book so nicely on the top of the bed.
Simon: “Yeah, I wanted to try a new look.�

August 20th, 2004:
Simon: “Mom, there are a lot of things in this world that seem impossible, like dry ice and fried ice cream.�

August 31st, 2004:
Nathan, noticing the peeling skin on Julie’s foot: “Mommy, are you molting?�

September 4th, 2004:
Nathan: “Daddy, I don’t want you to leave this house because you might be eaten by a cyclops.�

September 8th, 2004:
Nathan, not quietly, at the grocery store: “Wow, that guy sure is fat.�

September 28th, 2004:
Nathan: “I’m half baseball player and half gladiator.�

October 7th, 2004:
By standing in the back of the church and screaming “NO� at the top of his lungs, Nathan continued a long family tradition (Julie in 1977 at the Millers’ wedding and Douglas in 1996 at Julie and Derrick’s wedding) of refusing to walk down the aisle. Later, when asked why he wouldn’t walk, he said, “I forgot.�

October 10th, 2004:
Simon: “Mom, what if I taught the baby how to say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’? He would be famous!�

8 comments for “What the Smith Boys Said This Year

  1. Aaron Brown
    November 25, 2004 at 5:41 pm

    Papyrus? Sydney Opera House? I don’t know any 7 year-olds that would know what those are. Your kids must be home-schooled, or something! :)

    Aaron B

  2. Julie in Austin
    November 25, 2004 at 7:25 pm


    I will ruin your impression of my family in two ways:

    (1) he’s 6, not 7


    (2) the only reason he knows the Sydney Opera House is Finding Nemo :)

  3. Kevin Barney
    November 25, 2004 at 8:47 pm

    Your explanations will never fly, Julie. Face it, your kids are impossibly smart, and utterly precious. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Ivan Wolfe
    November 25, 2004 at 9:05 pm

    Simon reads comic books?

    Cool. Start ’em young, I tell you. Comics are great. I read them as kid, and then I tackled Lord of the Rings at age 9.

    Mark Evanier once wrote something like this: “You can always tell which kids read comics. They have advanced vocabularies because they are the ones who know what invulnerable means.”

    But I never knew cool words like “antidisestablishmentarianism” until 7th grade. Your kids are smart.

  5. Rob Briggs
    November 26, 2004 at 2:56 pm

    Julie, I read to my wife & we laughed out loud.

  6. Mark B
    November 30, 2004 at 3:26 pm

    Or, the kids who watch The Simpsons.

    I started to explain to the seminary class what Schadenfreude means, when one bright-eyed sophomore stopped me.

    I know, he said.

    How? (Since he is Hispanic, and hadn’t studied German.)

    From The Simpsons.

  7. Susan Malmrose
    December 5, 2004 at 5:06 pm

    Haha! That’s so awesome that you record all that. I’ve always tried to write down funny things my kids say–my youngest usually, cuz he’s the creative one. Some of my faves:

    “No, actually, what’s written all over my face is, I NEED A BETTER LIFE.” – Elijah, age 7

    “I get hungry and then I get full. THAT’S MY LIFE. It’s not your life! SHUT UP!” – Elijah, age 7

    “Mom, does the power of the microwave really come from the earth’s core?” – Elijah makes himself some soup

    “I know how to say ‘apple’ in sign language. You take an apple and do this with it.” – Elijah, holding up an apple and shaking it

    “I know a song no one’s ever heard before! Oooh, yeah–I will save you from the bad guys! Oooh, yeah–I won’t let them get you.” When asked if he’d made it up himself, Elijah said No, he’d heard it from his imaginary friends, Elijah 2 and Elijah 3.

  8. marta
    December 6, 2004 at 9:06 am

    Julie and Susan, thank you for sharing. I love the funny things kids say. Among my favorites:

    When I said “You guys come here,” to my two sons and one daughter, Amy (age 3) said, “I am not a guy. I am a woman.”

    Joe at three when asked why he was so contrary said, “I am NOT contrary!”

    Lucy at three liked to perch herself on the edge of a chair, let herself fall off, and chirp, “Gravity works!”

    Felix at three said, “You can do it Mommy. You’re big and you’re fierce.”

    At four, Felix finished his salad and asked for a clean fork for his rice. His father declined to give him one, and told him to use the same one. Felix said, “That is not how God programmed the world. God programmed the world so that on a Saturday in November when your father is cooking rice, you get a clean fork.”

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