If we’ve learned one thing in the past week, it is this: Mice are not good Mormons. Mouse-ologists tell us that mice enjoy sleeping around, and apparently derive some health benefits from the practice. Oh, and they also like their wine, and we’re now hearing that a healthy mouse is a wine-bibber. No word as of yet on whether mouse wine-drinking is connected to mouse promiscuity. Follow-up experiments will focus on that question, and also whether mice can really tell the difference between a Robert Parker recommendation and a bland jug wine.
All things being equal, it’s likely that the antichrist is a mouse. (So Nate was on the right track, but took a wrong turn.) He’s a promiscuous, wine-drinking mouse, and probably one who doesn’t read his scriptures at that. And don’t even get me started on his sanitary habits. Also, this rodent antichrist has friends, lots of them. The legions of darkness are already attacking the homes of the faithful.
We must defend ourselves. Every home should have a 72 hour kit, a year’s supply, and a big box of mouse traps. Bait your traps with wine, and with pictures of female mice in scanty attire. May the best mammal win.