Let’s face it — we haven’t hit the mainstream until we’ve broken into horror movies. And the possibilities for Mormon horror are enormous. After a quick brainstorm with danithew (of Blog-Diss fame), I’m chuckling about some of the possibilities. In the best Julie-Smith tradition, let me present:
Raising Cain.
Livestock are disappearing outside of a small town in the Utah hills. Branches rustling in the night. Strange footsteps by the riverbed. Is it a drifter? A group of local vandals? Or could it be . . . Cain?
Redeeming the Dead.
Zombies decide that they’d like to be baptized for the dead, and they kidnap a temple president to make it happen. Can he escape? Will he be eaten? And can he figure out how the undead fit into Mormon theology?
Stake Conference.
This year’s youth conference takes the youth out into the mountains, where they inadvertently awaken a group of hungry vampires. The stakes are high, and the testimony meeting won’t be boring this time.
Blood Atonement.
Ward members are disappearing, and detective Zina Jones wonders whether the disappearances correlate too closely to priesthood interviews. Has Bishop Johnson been reading too much early church history? Could it be that he has decided to revive the doctrine of blood atonement?
Do Mormon Zombies eat brains? Maybe brains with carrots in them?
All the President’s Wolves
A mission president is desperate to meet his numbers, so he makes a deal with werewolves, adding them to the mission. They tract surprisingly well, and all goes well at first. Then then the converts start acting a little strangely . . .
Dead Prophets Society
A group of liberal students from BYU meet under cover of darkness to discuss some of the prophets’ little known statements. Can they keep it a secret from their fellow classmates? Can they escape the clutches of the (gasp!) Strengthening the Members Committee?
The Hunchback of Salt Lake City
Returned missionary is hideously maimed on his way back to SL and rejected by his fiance. Takes refuge in the inner recesses of the Salt Lake Temple, where he alternately frightens temple patrons or sends them into religious ecstasies.
Oooh, Bored, those are goooooood.
Kaimi, you corrupter! I’m finding myself becoming increasingly tasteless as I can’t get this post out of my mind.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hinckley
The prophet’s evil side is brought out by a magic formula. Starring Marie Osmond as the innocent maid.
LaVonda Frankenstein
Infertile Mormon couple conspires to create their own baby. LaVonda uses skills she has learned in Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment Meetings to bring the infant to life.
–Creature from Lagoon–
–War of the Wards–
–The Brides of Frankenstein–
–The Mommy–
Valley of the Mollies
They came from beyond the grave, wearing their pioneer dresses and hats, clutching materials to make quilts and other homemaking crafts!
Seven Brides for One Brother
Seven Gentile girls find themselves lost in Utah, doomed to become the wives of one old Mormon buck.
You Want Cream and SUgar?
A feckless Gentile attempts to open a Starbucks in the capital of Utah Valley Mormondom, Provo, Utah! (oops! that one’s already been made!)
Jello o’ Death
Sis. Whipple unexpectedly goes into violent convulsions at the ward social. Then Bro. Partridge does, too. Accusations fly and the ward’s unity is in jeopardy. Maybe those aren’t marshmellows in the jello…
Baptists are the Barbeque
Ward Mission Leader Stan Young decides that if he can’t convert them he’ll sautee them instead.
The Tunnel
A savage beast ravages half of the Twelve on their way to Conference through the tunnel under Salt Lake City. Apostles Oaks and Holland learn that only one thing will defeat the beast. Special guest appearance by Sylvester Stallone.
Sherri Cluff: Mormon Bishopess
Ok. Just kidding on this one. But the others are serious.
Stoned
Local Bishop drinks too much…congregation rocks him to sleep.
Movie Madness
Local theater in Orem shows rated R movie. Community protests are heard in Spokane….opps that’s reality!
Church Puts the Squeeze On.
Members now required to pay tithing, ward budget, building fund, scout dues, temple fund, missionary fund, and still help their neighbors.
Monson and the Monster Pigeons
The pigeons President Monson use raise use their connections to raid the Bishop’s storehouse growing to enormous size and leaving their deposits all over town.
The Del Parson Code
Professor Palmer witnesses Hugh Nibley being shot dead in the Museum of Church History and Art by the mysterious albino Uchtdorf. Palmer discovers evidence that Nibley realized the BoM was not an ancient document and was about to publish his work to the Church. A thrilling chase across the west ensues as Palmer and his lovely assistant Jan Shipps are hunted relentlessly by Uchtdorf and the other 12 Protectors Of The Dark Secret. At the movie’s climax, the Urim and Thummin is dropped onto the floor of the geneology vault and broken to bits. In the end, Palmer and Shipps agree it’s best to keep the truth hidden in the interest of promoting faith.
LaVonda Frankenstein.
Hey! These are Mormon movies. LaVonda is the husband. Or LaVerl, or DeVere, or
Churches Without Crosses or Discussion With A Vampire
Storyline: A vampire decides Utah’s religious ambiance is more to his taste. He settle down in southern Utah and invites the missionaries over for dinner.
The Holy Ghost Goes to Bed At Midnight
A sixteen year old boy and girl pair off by themselves for a date and stay out past curfew. They get the fate all such young couples deserve. Eaten by werewolves or whatever.
The No-Descendants
A group of thirty-something LDS not-so-young-adults living in Sandy, UT refuses to pair off and get married. Instead they get together for casual dinners on a regular basis … until one day the group decides to go spelunking. They get trapped in some underground caves and run into some awful gollum-like cannibalistic creatures. None get out alive. At the next General Conference, President Thomas S. Monson replaces his “don’t drop the ball” story with their sad tale.
I Know What You Did During the Last Two Years
One P-day, an entire district of elder and sister missionaries runs over a hitchhiker with their bicycles. They leave him for dead and try to forget about it. He comes back to get them.
Night of the Non-Living Emeritus General Authorities
Paul Dunn is back. And man is he pissed.
Unrighteous Dominion
Sister Dolores Claiborne.
the Danithewites
After their ancestors caused a general ruckus well over a hundred years ago, they apologize for whatever it is they did.
Home Teacher From Hell
Lurking under the earth is an alien being bent on taking over the earth. He transforms himself into a jolly home teacher and gains access to homes all across the earth.
Dirty Mary
Fresh-faced young Mormon boy marries his sweetheart in the Temple. On their wedding night he discovers The Gum Has Already Been Chewed!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Peek-rets
Harry and the rest of the young men are tempted with unrighteous thoughts by the YW who are wearing immodest clothing. As they spy on the girls through a peek-hole in the utility closet, the room is transformed into an Edgar Allan Poe-type chamber which slowly begins to compress….
Anything involving the Primary would automatically be a horror film. Bonus points if the kids eat the token “All Children Are God’s Perfect Love Made Flesh” member of the Primary presidency.
#13 “The Gum Has Already Been Chewed!” ROFL! That’s one way to put it. :)
I’m not a big horror fan myself so I can’t think of any horror plotlines, but it would be funny if there was a liquor store named “Spirit Paradise” in the movie.
Here’s my idea:
The Cannibal Branch
Hyrum and Lucretia Pratt go on vacation in Western Texas, where they visit a small Mormon branch that eats people. Wait until you see what’s in their year supplies.
DKL, that angle is an interesting one. Food storage could be pretty creepy, if you think about it. All those dusty old bell jars that have been sitting around for ages.
NCMOratu
LDS vampire comes to terms with religious beliefs and being undead–decides hickeys are a reasonable compromise
Tickle me Alma
Tickle Me Alma toy comes alive and goes on a rampage at a local ward’s Trunk-or-Treat party…
Lilburn Boggs, a Napa monster
A mormon family on vacation is lured into the vinyards of Napa Valley by a ghost of the former Missouri governor. Will they partake of the forbidden fruit?
Alien Resurrection
A mexican mormon’s randezvous in Heaven with U.S. President Mitt Romney who signed his order of deportation.
The Substitute Teacher
Silent Creek ward’s gospel doctrine teacher disappears. A less known member volunteers to teach next Sunday. But when the partition curtains are shut, no one expects this lesson…
13th Article of Faith
A plot to steal the Wentworth letter manuscript is uncovered by the curator of the Church Museum of History and Art. The curator removes the document to protect it and deciphers a hidden message within. Will he be able to deliver the message to the world, or will he take his secret to the grave?
Danithewites – that’s pretty good, Danithew. Where do I sign up?
Here are my suggestions.
Portergeist
The unresurrected spirit of Orrin Porter Rockwell restlessly roams the earth. He settles old scores and administers the law of justice in his own unique way. Tares, beware! Wheat! Wheat!
Dawn of the Danged
J. Golden Kimball goes to the MTC where is undergoes torture as he is forced to unlearn his native lingo. He is reeducated and learns to say “Flip, Elder!” and “Oh my heck”.
Scout Camp
Crazy men vanish into the woods with young boys for days at a time. They take as provisions axes, hatchets, knives, propane, kerosene, and lighter fluid. The also pack such deadly substances as strawberry soda pop and MREs. The are subjected to such nightmarish experiences as sunburn, poison ivy, mosquitoes, woodticks, ptomaine poisoning, and near drownings.
Mark, the Danithewites are very strict. Anyone who comes to my blog and leaves a comment gets to join up.
\”Called to Sever\”
Planet of the Grapes
Visitors to another planet think they have landed in a nice suburb, but they soon realize they see plastic grapes, scrapbooks, tole painted calendars, and framed copies of the proclamation everywhere they look. They discover to their horror that they are under the control of a group of women engaged in a deadly, stepford-like competition to outmolly one another and create a place where you see RS crafts everywhere you look. The visitors eventually put their own eyes out, just to make it stop. Is this hell? No, it’s HPFE.
I don’t have any ideas of my own, but these are making me laugh until I cry. Someone, please, start writing, casting, and shooting! I wanna see!
What Eve said!
I nominate Bored in Vernal, danithew, and Sasha to head up the team of writers. Team = all other contributors so far. Someone call Kieth Merrill!
I nominate Bored in Vernal, danithew, and Sasha to head the team of writers. Team = all other contributors so far. Someone contact Kirth Merrill! Richard Dutcher? Neil LaBute?
Impaled by an Angel
A “side-splitting” tale about a wayward angel, with broad-sword in tow, who makes heavenly visitations to worthy couples that plan to marry outside of temple. They are offered the chance to comply, but will the bride be willing to lengthen her stride (and her wedding gown sleeves)? Will the groom exchange those boxer for briefs? The wrong choice could cost them their eternal lives. . . .
The Devil and Danithew
An ardent bloggernaculite sells his soul to become the greatest blogger in all Christendom. But, when the Devil comes to take his due, can Danithew outwit the beast and regain his soul? Co-starring DKL as the Devil (what?).
Nightmare on 700 S 12300 W
Young Elders uses their priesthood to brink a stick to life. The stick beats one to death and intends to finish off the other. Can he contact his Zone Leaders leaders in time . . . or will murder finds its “sticking” place?
Satan rides again in power and majesty upon the waters ….
Of Deer Creek Reservoir!
Bet you wish you’d gone to Church today instead…
I am finding this thread very very funny.
I am not witty enough to add anything but I applaud all of you……
I’d like to see a movie where bad boys J. Golden Kimball and Porter Rockwell rise from the dead, team up and egg each other on in a nihilistic splatter-fest. It should all end with police officers surrounding a diner as the undead J. Golden Kimball demands a waitress to “put some coffee in my postum.”
MTC – Missionary Terror Center
The 2,000 stripling warriors stand guard over the MTC as the spirits of darkness try to infiltrate and tempt the young missionaries to listen to Backstreet Boys music.
Eastward the Wagons
A group of disaffected English converts get fed up with Brigham Young and life in Utah (“We left England for this??”). They attempt a run for the border to go “back East”. Will they make it out of the territory or will Porter Rockwell and his band of Danites “head’em off at the pass”?
Handcarts to Hell
A handcart company reaches Devil’s Gate in Wyoming only to find that the Gate is aptly named; a subterranean door to the “hot place”!
But We Only Signed The Guestbook
Picture a young couple traveling the roads of America. They stop at Temple Square in Salt Lake City and take the tour. In an innocent act they sign the guestbook. Two months later they showed up on their doorstep: two young men wearing nametags, and they wouldn’t leave! Ahhhhhh!
White Men Don’t Sleep. Part 1, Abraham’s bosom
Elders Larson and Bingham are lost while tracting in the desert wilderness of Uganda. They organize a branch among a tribe of cannibals. At first, all goes well, and the cannibals make amazing progress as the missionaries read the scriptures to them. They even start a literacy club called “The Reader’s Digest”. But late one night, elder Larson awakens to discover that he has been partially eaten.
White Men Don’t Sleep. Part 2, The Black Widow
Elder Bingham and the chief’s beautiful daughter, Manyara, run away to elder Bingham’s native Idaho and get married. The old chief finally finds them and, in his revenge, stages a freak accident in which Elder Bingham dies. Elder Bingham appears to her in a dream and tells her of eternal marriage. But it’s still 1977. Can she wait?
Lost in Translation: The Purgatory
OK, I won’t even go there……
–When Two Strangers Call–
–Soylent Greeny–
ET
A bright-eyed cub scout finds Yoda in his back shed. He decides to convert him to Mormonism. The lessons are well received and, in return, Yoda teaches the boy to fight like a real intergalactic warrior with all the tools of “the force�, thus unhinging the boy’s hidden talents and untapped potential. All goes well until the boy’s toddler sister (think pudgy cheeks and blond curls) sings to Yoda: “Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.� Yoda feels the spirit and is inspired to help her become a sunbeam . . . literally, by sacrificing her to the sun . . . literally! He crafts an intergalactic communication device out of an IPod mini and kidnaps the girl into a spaceship. The boy barely fights his way aboard and they spar in space, well-intentioned good against well-intentioned good. Will all the prayers of the ward bring the two children back? Will lessons on hidden talents and missionary work ever be the same? And finally, how could our church culture be so misunderstood?
36
“Soylent Greeny” — I do like that one!
Horror movies specifically designed for the Bloggernacle:
God Is In the Embryo
A giant human embryo attacks Adam Greenwood and Matt Evans. As a matter of principle, they refuse to defend themselves.
Poobusters
Given the opportunity to choose their own fate, a giant baby rises from the imagination of the Feminist Mormon Housewives. He attacks them with, well, you guessed it.
King Kong Steals the Peach
Snarkernacle suffers the ultimate punishment for mispelling its url.
Steve EM Scissorhands
The Chupacabra
Danithew gets attacked by the Bloggernacle’s guardian beasts for that last comment.
Death by Cheese
A deranged Lou Midgley appears unannounced at the door of the Tanners while they’re having fondue. Little do they know he’s brought his own highly lethal fondue forks.
Silence of the Lambs of God –
Mute Primary zombies terrorize High Priests babysitting them during a Homemaking meeting.
5ifteen
Clever serial killer methodically eliminates one lapsed Mormon for each of the 15 temple recommend questions.
Menaces to Society
Unmarried Mormon men, on reaching their 30th birthdays, turn into psychopathic killers.
“Esnakes” on a Plane
Innocent young elders, flying home from their missions in Latin America, are viciously accosted by a horde of young, nubile “investigators,” eager to investigate whether the Law of Chastity isn’t really more of a “guideline” after all.
Re #45:
(George) Walker, Texas Ranger
Pres Bush and Dick Cheney are hunting endangered deer in the backwoods of Texas. Orrin Hatch walks in on them. In a moment of panic, the VP shoots the mormon senator. Who will save the face of GOP when the news reaches the El Paso Expositor? Will the Minutemen vigilantes take the blame?
The Sixth Sense or Lady in the Water
Spiritually in tune teen encounters folks from another world in the temple baptismal font. Tells temple worker “I see dead people.”
45 “esnakes” — wow, do we *still* call them “snakes”??? (mine was 1971-3 in S. America)