These church bulletin bloopers have been making the rounds; on the off chance you haven’t seen them yet:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love.
Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours
gracious hostility…..how funny!
I’m sure many will share bulletin misprints, while we are still on signs, this was in a non LDS church men’s room: “Please step closer, you may not be as blessed as you think you are.”
Hope everyone saw these “I’m a Christian” Mac vs. PC parodies. (More uplifting than the one above). http://www.thinkchristian.net/?p=960
Once our ward bulletin had a typo that was pretty funny. The upcoming RS fireside had scheduled the stake president to talk about Five Principles for Righteous Living. The bulletin said “Five Principles for Riotous Living”.
Another time, the bishop was going to give his annual youth standards night fireside for the YW/YM. The bulletin said that the bishop was going to “Tonight, 7:00p.m. Bishop STD night.” The wonderful older woman who types the bulletin was mortified when she heard that STD is more than an abbreviation for standard.
“Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.”
My favourite.
My husband, who is really brighter than this typo would suggest, once put an announcement in our ward bulletin which referred to the “bishop brick”. I’m not sure why the bulletin editor didn’t fix it– unless she thought it was as funny as I did.
Paula, I was 9 or 10 before I realized the men on the stand weren’t in the “bishop brick.”
I was visiting in my parents’ ward and noticed a curious notice (that I have not seen anywhere else) announcing the meeting time of the “LDS Addiction Recovery Support Group.”
Disclaimer: I do not wish to make light of addiction, only the juxtapostion of the words in the announcement.
Well KyleM, my husband was about 35 at the time. (And has a PhD). Maybe his brain was just hearkening back to his youth. Our two boys who were in elementary school at the time could hardly calm down enough to stay in the meeting after we read it.
come prepared to sin
Doesn\’t get much better than this. Great list. Loved the fat joke too.
My father was nervous about speaking in front of large groups and this sometimes got the best of him: as a bishopric member, he had the congregation sustain a worthy young man to be advanced from the office of a Teacher to a Preacher.
I got rattled one time while bearing my testimony and said I was grateful to be a member of “The Church of Jesus Christ of Saturday Saints”.
This is really hilarious. I do, however, have a question. For most of them, it’s obvious what was meant, like when it says “bring a blanket and be prepared to sin[g].” But the only one I’m utterly puzzled by is this one:
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
What could they possibly have intended that to say?
DKL, most Catholic churches have names like “St John the Divine” or whatever. I assume that Christ the King was the name of the congregation they were playing.
That’s right, Julie. I’m trying to figure out what the excuse is for “Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”
“Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
What could they possibly have intended that to say?”
Yes as Julie says it’s one of the unintended joys of Catholic school names. Our Pennsylvania newspaper sports section used to have headlines for the high school sports like “Blessed Virgin trounces Holy Ghost”
“St. Thomas Aquinas hammers Mater Dei”
My friend is in charge of making copies of the programs for sacrement meetings and recently recieved a program that gave the page numbers for three different hymens.
She requested a second draft.
My personal favorite was the inspirational quotation I found in the church program one Sunday:
“Clear your mind of can’t.”
–Samuel Johnson
Oh, what an apostrophe can do!
Thanks.
There was an ad in our foyer for ages with the words ‘Marital Arts Class’ in big letters, with a clip-art of what appeared to be a woman assaulting a man, both dressed in white. It was for a self-defense course being held in the cultural hall during week, but it made me laugh every time I saw it, especially as the framed Proclamation on the Family was in close proximity.
One that has gone down in the annals of our Ward history was when an elderly sister about to leave on her proselyting mission intended to say in her farewell testimony that she hoped that she would be blessed with lots of success on her mission – only it came out as hoping she would be blessed with lots of sex on her mission. (Made worse by her flustering and blustering when she realised how it came out!).
anon
p.s. she did find her future husband on her mission and converted him.
fMhLisa, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two weeks ago an add in our bulletin announcing a young adult activity gave all the information and then invited people with questions to email Jen Lewis (name changed) at: [email protected]
Needless to say there was some snickering in the pews when we all got around to reading that one.
P.S. email was slightly changed for the purpose of this post, so please don’t try to email bootygirl, who knows what kind of response you’ll get…:-)
These are always fun to read.
” I’m trying to figure out what the excuse is for “Proceeds will be used to cripple children.†”
I’m guessing they meant to say “for” rather than “to” cripple[d] children or to help cripple[d] children. Someone probably was in a hurry and (as is often the case) probably mentally filled in the blanks without noticing the stuff left out.
Julie, thanks for the clarification. That makes sense.
I got home late last night after my flight was delayed in Dallas/Fort Worth ending a long and boring business trip. Thanks for this Saturday morning pick-me-up. The last entry still has me chuckling.
About 15 years ago, our bishop announced in Sacrament meeting that one of the young ladies in our ward had received her mission papers stating that she had been called to the “Lesbian Portugal Mission”.