The Times and Seasons Song Contest

Lest anyone miss it, here is a gem from Grasshopper that was hiding in the comments:

Jonah was a prophet, swallowed by a whale.
When he was on board, the ship just couldn’t sail.
So they tossed him over, next thing that he knew,
Nineveh repented, Jonah had to, too.

Swallow the prophet, swallow the prophet, swallow the prophet, won’t get away;
Swallow the prophet, swallow the prophet, swallow the prophet; he’ll find the way.

I hereby nominate this song and Kaimi’s “Put Potatoes with the Veal” (which I can’t find; what thread was it in, Kaimi??) as the inaugural entries in the Times and Seasons Satirical Song contest. Entries must fit with a hymn tune or Primary song from the LDS canon. Prizes will be awarded on the entirely rational and objective criterion of how much Diet Coke I splurt through my nose while reading the entries. Entries which cause lightning to strike my computer will be disqualified.

32 comments for “The Times and Seasons Song Contest

  1. Ben
    March 20, 2004 at 5:39 pm

    I like a rousing rendition of “Eensy Weensy Spider” set to the hymn “god of our fathers.” That hymn has the coolest chord in the whole hymnbook.

  2. Ben
    March 20, 2004 at 5:40 pm

    I like a rousing rendition of “Eensy Weensy Spider” set to the hymn “god of our fathers.” That hymn has the coolest chord in the whole hymnbook.

  3. Kaimi
    March 20, 2004 at 6:31 pm

    Put Potatoes With the Veal is in the Grammar of Inequity thread, at .

    And Swallow the Prophet is at .

  4. Charles
    March 20, 2004 at 6:56 pm

    This is the only tune I could think of off the top of my head after reading the post.
    My apologies to any professional lyricists.

    I work with a bunch in the vinyards out at ‘Satur-day Grapes’.
    I know who I am, I know the plan is to stomp and squash and strain.
    I believe in the savor of the wine, but I’ll spit it out in vain.
    I’ll do what is right, I’ll shun red or white, and from alcohol refrain.

  5. Steve Evans
    March 20, 2004 at 7:08 pm

    Don’t have a full song — yet. But when I was a kid, I thought the line “by this shall men know” in Love One Another was some kind of magic invocation: “By This Schammanno, ye are my disciples!”

    Also, growing up in Calgary, all the songs about Calvary made me feel really guilty, for some reason.

  6. Aaron Brown
    March 20, 2004 at 7:09 pm


    Are you familiar with Paul Toscano’s _Music and the Broken Word_ ? There are some great “alternative” hymns in there. I don’t have my copy or handy, or else I’d post Toscano’s feminist rendition of “Master, the Tempest is Raging.” (“My, How the Women are Raging” I believe it’s called).

    Aaron B

  7. Steve Evans
    March 20, 2004 at 7:17 pm

    p.s. Aaron, check your email again…

  8. Jedd
    March 20, 2004 at 7:29 pm

    As a child, I was certain that “Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear” was instead, “Come, come, ye saints, no toilet paper here.”

    Made sense to me—I’d want to pack up and leave too.

  9. March 20, 2004 at 8:04 pm

    High on a mountain top, a badger chased a squirrel… (can’t remember the rest, someone please help me).

    “By This Schammanno, ye are my disciples!”

    Holy Cow, Steve! I’m not the only one!

  10. Kristine
    March 20, 2004 at 9:25 pm

    What about “Teach me all that I’m a stew…”?

    Aaron, I like some of the stuff in Music and the Broken Word, and I find some of it too bitter to be funny.

    Ben, I like it. Have you ever heard P.D.Q. Bach’s oratorio “Oedipus Tex”? In the middle he does this hilarious thing where the orchestra comes in doing the beginning of “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring,” only it’s in 4, so it feels really hiccuppy, and then the chorus comes in with “I’ve been working on the railroad…” I think I’ve heard it 50 times and I still crack up just thinking about it!!

  11. Mary
    March 20, 2004 at 9:40 pm

    Though this is not to a tune of a hymn or primary song, it is to a very well known church video song…

    My husband said that he and his missionary companions sang this while in the restroom:

    “You’re not alone,
    even though right now,
    you’re on the throne…”

  12. Ben
    March 20, 2004 at 10:27 pm

    What about “in the river jordansflow” I’d never heard of that one:)

  13. Heather Oman
    March 21, 2004 at 12:05 am

    Speaking of misinterpreted lines of primary songs, my brother said that he always thought the words to the second verse of “I am a child of God” were “and so my knees are gray”. Personally, I always thought the last words to “Love one another”, you know, the part where you say “Love one to another” were just two count rests, i,e “Love (one two) another.”

    I will admit also that lately I have been singing a song to my son to the tune of “I need thee every hour” It goes something like this:

    I need for you to sleep
    Oh precious son
    If you don’t go to sleep
    I’ll shoot you with a gun.

    Oh, sleep, my darling sleep
    It’s time for you to sleep
    Oh sleepytime my precious
    just go to sleep

  14. Kaimi
    March 21, 2004 at 12:13 am

    I regularly mess with primary songs to make my wife laugh. Here is one of the few.

    Stars were gleaming
    children screaming
    and we told them to be still,
    But they didn’t
    Want to listen
    So we gave them sleeping pills,
    Ahh that quiet
    From their diet
    You should try it
    It’s a riot,
    And your kids you then won’t kill.

  15. March 21, 2004 at 12:20 am

    High on the mountaintop
    A badger met a squirrel
    The badger ate him up
    And now there is no squirrel

    In Deseret
    There are no squirrels
    And all the badgers
    Are full

  16. March 21, 2004 at 2:24 am

    Thanks, Kim!

  17. Kaimi
    March 21, 2004 at 3:24 pm

    Since “As Sisters in Zion” has pretty much exactly the same tune as “Johnny Fedora met Alice Blue Bonnet” from the old Disney cartoon, it is kind of fun to mix them up a little.

    “As sisters in Zion we all work together, in the window of the depaaaartment store . . .”

  18. Kaimi
    March 21, 2004 at 3:37 pm

    Ohh, and how could I forget,

    “The wise man built his house upon Iraq
    and the bombs came tumbling down . . “

  19. gst
    March 21, 2004 at 3:37 pm

    There is beauty all around
    When there’s lunch at home
    Peas and carrots here abound
    When there’s lunch at home
    Rolls and cold cuts, chicken fried
    Noodle salad on the side
    Finished off with apple pie
    When there’s lunch at home.

    (I can only take credit for the last half, which I had to write because I couldn’t remember how I heard it. But I should get extra points for writing and posting this from my BlackBerry during sacrament meeting.)

  20. Kaimi
    March 21, 2004 at 4:10 pm

    Okay, just one more:

    Come, ye children of the Lord
    We have children, they are bored
    They are being quite a pain
    They are causing nervous strain
    Oh, what joy it will portend
    When the sacrament will end
    Off they’ll go to primary
    And in Sunday School we’ll sleep.

  21. ed
    March 21, 2004 at 4:25 pm

    I liked the Jonah verse so much, I wrote my own new verse during sunday school:

    Deborah was a prophet, dwelt under a palm,
    Judging all the people from Mount Ephraim.
    Sisera was killed by a woman with a nail,
    When they followed Deborah, Israel could not fail.

    Follow the prophetess, follow the prophetess, follow the prophetess, don’t go astray.
    Follow the prophetess, follow the prophetess, follow the prophetess, she knows the way.

    I almost wish I was primary chorister so I could teach the new verses to the kiddies…

  22. Julie in Austin
    March 21, 2004 at 4:34 pm


    Bless your soul! I have been wanting to do that for years but have no talent. Now do Huldah and Miriam.

  23. Kristine
    March 21, 2004 at 7:12 pm

    Huldah was a prophet; she could read the book,
    King Josiah said, “would you please have a look?”
    She said, “It’s not pretty; the law has been ignored,
    Someone’s gonna pa-ay, for thus saith the Lord!”
    Follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet, don’t go astray.
    Follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet, she knows the way!

  24. irreverent
    March 21, 2004 at 10:22 pm

    Miram was a prophet, boy the girl could dance
    With a tamborine, she learned how to prance
    But she then sassed Moses, this was his reply
    A little bit of whiteface, now you know the why …

  25. Taylor
    March 22, 2004 at 10:43 am

    I have always consistently sung:

    I am a child of God…
    with parents kinduv dear…

  26. lyle
    March 22, 2004 at 11:10 am

    So, is it ‘ok’ to sing non-trad/self-created lyrics during a communally performed hymn/song?

    I ask cuz I often do the same…inserting the name of whomever I am attending church with into certain parts of the song (usually my two kids Kevin-15 and Salina-12) in order to personalize it.

  27. Julie in Austin
    March 22, 2004 at 1:11 pm

    Oh, Taylor, I can beat that:

    I am a child of God
    With parents kinda weird

    is how my boys think it is done.

  28. Dan
    March 22, 2004 at 4:16 pm

    Maybe not quite thread-related, but somebody once pointed out that you can sing “If You Could Hie to Kolob” to the tune of the theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies.” For some reason I find this endlessly amusing, especially when I get to the last line of each verse (e.g. “Where Gods began to be”). Try it!

  29. VeritasLiberat
    March 22, 2004 at 9:28 pm

    I wish I could take credit for this one:

    In our lovely Deseret
    Where the saints of God have met
    There’s a million squirming rugrats to be found
    And they cry and fuss and shout
    Till their parents take them out
    To the corridor where they can run around

  30. VeritasLiberat
    March 22, 2004 at 9:31 pm

    And there’s “Love at Home” for the dysfunctional family:

    “There is beauty all around
    When there’s no one home…”

    I actually sing this version.

  31. March 26, 2004 at 2:10 am

    Ere you left your flat this morning
    did you think to shave?
    In the name of Karl G. Maeser
    did you think to use your razor
    at the gates of day?

    Oh how stubble wrecks one’s features.
    Hair will change the knight to knave
    So, through life’s dark dreary detours
    don’t forget to shave.

    I blame the Honor Code office… (they’re probably also responsible for the remaining rhyme scheme problems).

  32. junk_nutty
    November 25, 2005 at 5:54 pm

    I led the congregation in singing I am a child of God and when I was leaving the room afterward, my dad said, “I don’t think your knees are so great!”

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