“I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”

We’ve previously discussed the state of Mormon film, and some of the bloggers have wondered wistfully when we’ll see a Mormon Kieslowski, Korosawa, or even Kubrick come along. Now, over at Let Your Mind Alone, J.D. Payne has expressed a different goal: to become a Mormon Woody Allen (minus the whole yucky Soon-Yi thing, one hopes). He has posted some ideas for a film script on his blog and asked for feedback. Readers with creativity and/or senses of humor may want to look it over. (The rest of us can now get back to work.)

16 comments for ““I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”

  1. August 26, 2004 at 2:41 pm

    Does J.D. Payne play clarinet?


  2. Nathan Tolman
    August 26, 2004 at 2:58 pm

    I just posted my comments. It looks like it could be fun. As I mentioned over there It looks more like a Big Fat Greek Wedding than Woody Allen,

  3. August 26, 2004 at 5:00 pm

    Another John D. Payne? Crap. Although I shouldn’t be surprised. One year when I was at BYU, there were four other gentlemen named John Payne in attendance. This guy might be one of them, for all I know. Good grief. Sometimes I wish I had a less common name. And I can only imagine what it was like for Joseph Smith.

    Anyway, I’m sure this dude’s film or whatever will be great. (Lousy name-stealing copycat…)

  4. Charles
    August 26, 2004 at 5:00 pm

    Looks pretty interesting over there.
    I wonder what other cinema types we could invade. Monty Python? How about Shakespear’s Much Ado About Nothing as a return missionary tale. Something about the last line “get the a wife” just sounds appropriate.

  5. August 26, 2004 at 5:25 pm

    I’d love to see a “Mormon” version of a Monty Python troupe come into existence. Bring it on.

  6. Greg
    August 26, 2004 at 5:32 pm

    They came and went; they were called “The Garrens” and were the brain child of rogue journalist Eric D. Snider.

  7. Charles
    August 26, 2004 at 6:05 pm

    I think it would only work if they came from Europe, call it a hunchback.

  8. Kristine
    August 26, 2004 at 6:45 pm

    John David, I’m sorry for you that there’s more than one John D. Payne running around the planet, but still somewhat relieved that you don’t have any Woody Allen aspirations. And “My Big Fat Swedish Wedding” would be pretty dull and reserved, once you got past the goat cheese and rice pudding jokes :)

  9. Nathan Tolman
    August 26, 2004 at 9:46 pm

    The conversion dilemma, as posed in his post is an interesting one. Some people seem to think conversion would be too cheesy, but I think it would be better than leaving them a part member family. Who knows?

  10. John David Payne
    August 27, 2004 at 2:10 am

    Kristine, thank you for feeling my pain. And I agree about the swedish wedding. Boringsville. You could always liven it up with meatball jokes, but I foresee that this quickly would deteriorate into boy-scout humor. Of course, boy-scout humor makes hundreds of millions of dollars a year in the movie biz, but what does it profit you to have a blockbuster and lose your soul?

  11. August 27, 2004 at 11:42 am

    A little off-topic, but there’s a wonderful review of THE BEST TWO YEARS in the Seattle Times… and I think they hit the nail on the head (about Mormon films in general) when they say “It doesn’t help that [director Scott] Anderson provides so little basis for an outsider to understand the process. The name ‘Joseph Smith’ is sprinkled around like pixie dust, but if you know nothing about Mormon history, it does little to fill the vacuum…”.

    I think Mormon cinema fails so often because it refuses to take on universal themes — albeit with a uniquely Mormon perspective. Of course, I don’t know that that’s even possible… our lives are so permeated with a complex belief system that I doubt that any portrayal could really be true to the Faith _and_ be parseable by anyone but the faithful.

  12. August 27, 2004 at 1:09 pm

    I didn’t think Woody Allen was your style either. As to your ubiquitous name, maybe you should start introducing yourself as John “The Rhino” Payne. Just hold back your temptation to head-butt people as a greeting.

  13. August 28, 2004 at 2:23 am

    Simmons! Good to hear from you again, Traywatcher. But holding back from rhinoing people? That’s crazy talk. Think about it. If I introduce myself as Rhino-man, people are going to ask about the origin of the name. And there’s only one way to answer a question like that. HEAD BUTT!

    PS – Apologies to everyone else for the inscrutable in-jokes. Simmons and I were in the MTC together, and our district formed a secret society, dedicated to acting silly and head-butting strangers. Man, those were good times…

  14. .
    December 15, 2004 at 12:59 am


  15. June 17, 2005 at 3:34 pm


  16. June 26, 2005 at 4:06 pm

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