Q: So Dave, how did you come up with the idea for LDSelect?
A: It’s a long story. The concept goes back to when I was dating Fawn Brodie, a few months after I got kicked out of Hogwarts . . .
Q: You went to Hogwarts? No way! Man, I’ve always dreamed of that. Did you play quidditch?
A: Kaimi, Kaimi. You’re focusing on the wrong thing. The point is not that I attended Hogwarts. The point is that I got kicked out. Frankly, the only reason I ever attended was as a necessary prerequisite to eventual expulsion.
Q: Wow. That is so profound and witty, Dave, with just a hint of detached, rebellious irony.
A: Very discerning. Most people miss the irony.
Q: Not me. I’m all about the irony, man. So, let me ask about your name. The word structure, David King Landrith — it’s similar in many ways to the structure of the name, Alfred Lord Tennyson.
A: Yes, it is. But I’m a better poet.
Q: You certainly are, Dave. Your comments shine with poetry. By the way, is it okay if I call you Dave?
A: I have many names. They include David; Arturo; Random John; Miranda Park Jones; DKL; Bloggernacle Snarker; Frank McIntyre; Azazel; The Eminent Mormon; and Master Mahan. I am legion. I was once cast into a herd of pigs.
Q: Wow – that’s amazing. I had forgotten that you were the genius behind Miranda Park Jones. I always thought that she was so vibrant. How was it that you were able to write the part of a woman, so convincingly?
A: I turned to Jack Nicholson’s advice from “As Good as it Gets” — “I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.” Also, I try to suppress my natural incisiveness.
Q: Well, you have certainly had an amazing blogging career, Dave. Is it true that you are planning on challenging Mitt Romney for the title of Most Awesomest Mormon Republican in all of Massachusetts?
A: You’ve got it backwards, my boy. Any challenge for that title would necessarily be initiated by him, not me. However, Mitt has far too much good sense to start a fight he’s sure to lose.
Q: Wow, you’re absolutely right. Well, Dave, I think one thing that your readers admire in you is your cosmopolitan sophistication. Tell us — what wine would best pair with a camembert-and-prosciutto-on-rye sandwich? And what would be the ideal cigar for smoking afterwards?
A: My answer would vary somewhat according to the country of origin of the rye bread. For a standard American rye, I would probably recommend a sauvignon blanc by Corbett Canyon, which you can pick up for a very reasonable price at Costco. As for cigars, I normally refuse to smoke anything I haven’t rolled myself. But in a pinch, a Cohiba will do.
Q: Incredible. On a related cultural topic, here’s a longstanding question among your fans — what is the greatest Manilow moment? There are so many to choose from.
A: The best Manilow moment clearly comes just before minute 3 of Mandy, right when Barry inhales poignantly, almost imperceptibly — like a miniature sigh — just before starting the chorus. It’s the second best moment in all of music, directly behind the guitar solo at the end of Comfortably Numb.
Q: What incisiveness! How can you be sure? Musical moments are so hard to judge for me, especially Manilow.
A: Kaimi, that kind of mushy-headedness will get you in trouble. Let me explain this in simple terms. I am what we call a positivist. And I am positive that those are the best musical moments. There can be no doubt about it. Any other conclusion would be like saying that unicorns exist. And unicorns don’t exist, do they?
A: Um, no.
A: I rest my case.
Q: Wow. Well, you are clearly the heart and soul of the bloggernacle, Dave. Would you blog with us? Please? You would have absolute artistic freedom. Your choice of corner offices. If you want, we will let you be the short, mustachiod dictator of Times and Seasons. You could even get rid of Nate. Please, please grace us with your blogging presence, o DKL.
A: Kaimi, I must regretfully decline. The DKL cannot be confined to a single blog. The DKL is the universal essence of contrarian irony and kicked-out-ness. The DKL is everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. There is a DKL that resides inside each of us, if only we have the courage to let it comment on the blog-posts of our hearts and souls.
And besides, Kaimi, the DKL is far too cool for your lame blog. The DKL speaks in third person. And if the DKL were to blog anywhere, it would probably be at By Common Consent.
Or maybe Tales from the Crib.