What the Smith Boys Said This Year

December 22nd

Nathan, eyeing Derrick’s new bottle of Korean hot sauce: “Next time, you should get the North Korean hot sauce. The bottle is empty and if you complain, they kill you.”

December 22nd:

Truman, to Julie: “You smell like Chapstick and old people.”

December 24th:

Truman, to Nathan: “Socks with sandals? What kind of a monster are you?”

December 25th:

Nathan, for reasons unclear, wears a hot dog costume to Christmas dinner. He ends up in a disagreement with Derrick (about whether a bass guitar player needs to learn how to read music) and, at the point when the argument is going poorly for him, says, “But you are arguing with someone in a hot dog costume.”

March 5th:

Truman: “When you pray, do you have to say ‘amen’? Is it like pressing the ‘send’ button on an email?”

March 9th:

Truman: “Mom, in the scriptures does it say that you can’t eat raw eggs?”

March 13th:

Nathan: “Can I use these pickles?”

Julie: “Yes, but please be conservative with them.”

Nathan, addressing the pickles: “No gay marriage! No raising taxes!”

March 13th:

Truman is choking down horseradish-flavored potato chips with obvious distaste.

Derrick: “You know, you don’t have to eat those.”

Truman: “I’m practicing eating gross food for when I am a missionary.”

March 19th:

Nathan’s solution to gender-based pay inequality: “We should invent a third gender and they would get to make all of the hiring decisions.”

March 20th:

Nathan: “I’ve got a better way to choose the president. At the inauguration, the president should toss the Bible over his shoulder into the crowd and whoever catches it should be the next president.”

March 20th:

Julie: “Nathan, you are adorable.”

Nathan: “No! Stop that! That’s bullying!”

March 22nd:

Simon: “Facebook is just a giant confirmation bias box.”

March 24th:

Julie is explaining to Truman that the skate discount applies only to family members; Truman responds, “But we are all children of Adam and Eve.”

April 10th:

Nathan: “What if love for parents is nothing more than Stockholm Syndrome?”

May 20th:

Truman: “Where’s Nathan?”
Julie: “I think he’s upstairs. Why?
Truman: “Because the word gullible IS in the dictionary!”

May 27th:

Truman: “Aren’t Canadians just shaved wolves that can vote?”

June 23rd:

Truman: “Does me sleeping curled up in a ball decrease my growth rate?”

June 29th

Truman: “Does it count as a lie if you tell a turkey that it will be OK after Thanksgiving? Does it count as a lie since the animal can’t understand what you are saying?”

July 13th

Nathan, re his birthday: “I’m always happy to be one year closer to death.”

Truman, re whether Nathan was telling the truth about how old he’s turning: “I’ve learned with this family that it’s always best to check more than one source.”

July 14th:

Truman: “What’s for dinner?”

Julie: “Cheeseburger pasta.”

Truman: “And how will you accomplish that?”

July 18th:

Nathan, who normally hates the poems he has to memorize: “See, this poem [=“The Charge of the Light Brigade”] I actually like because it is about six hundred men riding into the mouth of hell. Why can’t I get more poems like this?”

July 28th:

Simon: “Hey, mom, there are three articles in The Economist that say that intelligence has more to do with genetics than parenting, so can I be free-range?”

August 2nd:

Things you never thought you’d have to say:

Julie: “Truman, no more decorating things in your room with your own blood.”

September 13th:

Nathan: “Was Jonah kosher or is that whale going to hell?”

September 22nd:

Julie: “You are so delicious, I could eat you for breakfast!”

Truman: “That’s kind of demeaning.”

September 26th:

Truman: “What do people _do_ in heaven? Is it all sitting around on couches and eating chips?”

Julie: “We can only hope.”

October 18th:

Nathan makes a really bad pun.

Julie: “You’re lame!”

Nathan: “We really need to do something about the bullying problem in our school.”

October 31st:

Nathan is complaining about sentences that end with prepositions.

Simon: “It’s idiomatic. Which means that enough idiots have said it that it has become OK.”

November 3rd:

Truman: “Have you ever used a placebo on us?”

November 23rd:

Julie: (choking on her lunch, can’t catch her breath)

Simon: “If you die, may I have your laptop?”
December 4th:

Julie: “Hm, I forgot my grocery bags. Guess we have to use the plastic ones this time.”

Nathan: “What? You will be personally responsible for the destruction of the rain forest! How can you look one of those adorable little koalas in the eye and–”

Julie: “THERE ARE NO KOALAS IN THE RAIN FOREST!”

Nathan: “Yes there are! I know my geology! Are you doubting my koala-fications here? Because if I told you I was an expert on big cats, then I’d be lion, but I know koalas!”

 

Previous entries here.

18 comments for “What the Smith Boys Said This Year

  1. December 11, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Ha! I love it! I think my favorite is Nathan lecturing the pickles, but these are all hilariously wonderful.

  2. December 11, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    So is comedy one of the subjects in the home-school curriculum? It’s working.

  3. Hunter
    December 11, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Fun. Thanks (again) for tracking these during the year, and for sharing.

  4. December 11, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    “Facebook is just a giant confirmation bias box.”

    He’s not wrong.

  5. livinginzion
    December 11, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    Your kids are way funnier than mine. If you are interested, I can arrange a swap.

  6. December 11, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    Just when I thought I was immune to actually laughing out loud when reading things on the internet… Conservative pickle-wielders will slay me every time.

  7. Abu Casey
    December 11, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Oh man, the conversations you and your husband must have around and with your kids to get all this stuff bouncing around their clever little heads. Fantastic!

  8. Craig H.
    December 11, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    Am I noticing a slight surge in the sophistication of the comments? Like beyond cute? Or is my own humor just more juvenile these days? Like are there age-changes going on? Which is really disappointing. These are really good.

  9. Kevin Barney
    December 11, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    Awesome as always.

  10. sba
    December 11, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    I read a selection to my own wacky, homeschooled boys–they like Truman’s design sense.

  11. Jax
    December 11, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    Thanks Julie! That was great – again!

  12. Julie M. Smith
    December 11, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    Craig H., these disobedient boys insist of getting older every year. (This year = 16, 13, 10.)

  13. December 11, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    I am choking on tears.

    “But you are arguing with someone in a hot dog costume.”

    I intend to use this line as much as possible in 2015.

  14. Sharee
    December 11, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Loved these. They are priceless How old are your kids, anyway, Julie?

  15. Julie M. Smith
    December 12, 2014 at 8:41 am

    Sharee, Simon is 16, Nathan is 13, and Truman is 10.

  16. Anarene Holt Yim
    December 12, 2014 at 10:59 am

    Smart (and smart-aleky) homeschoolers are my favorite kind of teenager. :) What fun. As a fellow homeschooler, I have sometimes tried to convince people that homeschooling teenagers is not always hell. (Some days, yes, but other days are pure entertainment.) I will save these quotes from your kids to share with them. Hot dogs, pickles, Stockholm Syndrome–I can’t choose a favorite.

  17. Annie
    December 14, 2014 at 12:10 am

    Can I come have dinner at your house?

  18. December 30, 2014 at 11:04 am

    I want a “Like” button on each comment, speaking of confirmation bias boxes. ;)

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